The All-American Rejects, Move Along

As you already know, I am a hoarder. This can be a massive burden in my life, occasionally turning my bedroom into a mass explosion of junk. That aside, holding onto memories does have its perks. Amongst the many things that I refuse to throw out, are cards and letters. Yes, I am one of the few people that actually keeps cards, all of them, even Christmas cards I received in primary school from people who didn’t even like me and were just forced by their parents to write ‘Merry Christmas’ to their whole class, and probably their teachers too. I keep all these cards and letters in shoeboxes, and once they are filled to the top, Sellotape them shut and either store them away in my wardrobe or ask Dad to put them in the attic for me. Yet somewhere among all these cards, is a letter that isn’t for me, but was in fact written by me.

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short not to enjoy it.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for things that matter.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye… But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful.  Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to be happy.  But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose Life.

28. Forgive but don’t forget.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give Time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you think you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

(Source: stumbleupon.com)

 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Mr Stevens- The Remains of the Day (Kazuo Ishiguro)

It’s so funny how much things have changed for me over the past couple of months. It’s literally been from one extreme to the other. 11 weeks ago, I tried to kill myself. It sounds like a lot, but it’s really not that long ago at all. For the next 6 weeks, I tried to fix myself. I tried so hard, but nothing really worked at all. On the inside I was still a mess. It was only when I picked up my results a few weeks ago that I realised something; I realised that, even after my overdose, I genuinely didn’t believe that I was going to be alive to see September. I hadn’t really thought about what I was going to do with regards to school, and looking back I know that when I walked into my exams in May/June, I literally could not see a future for myself, not even as far as September. So after the attempt, even though I was trying to recover, it wasn’t for me. My reason for trying recovery, was basically because everyone expected me to. It was presumed that now I had hit rock bottom, I would pick myself up again. I did want to in a sense, for the people I love, but that was it. I still didn’t give a crap about myself.

I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know what my purpose was. I felt lost, unloved, and unable to accept myself. I couldn’t forgive myself for anything I’d done to people throughout my life. I was completely weighed down, and wallowing in self hate.

Then I went along to camp, oblivious to how much my life was about to change in a week. God has honestly just completely transformed me. He wrapped me up in love like a pig in a blanket. He showed me that he was there all along, that he has things under control, that I don’t need to feel in control at all, because he already knows where my life is headed. He showed me that he made me exactly the way I am for a reason, and that I never need to change a thing about me because he thinks I am beautiful. He made me realise that I am never alone, that I don’t have to be afraid.  He gave me strength and confidence and comfort. He helped me to open up, to understand myself. He showed me that he has a wonderful plan and purpose for my life, and I soon became hopeful and even excited about my future. Most importantly though, he explained to me that I am free to forgive myself, and that I don’t need to be hating on myself 24/7, because Jesus already had all of that covered. I finally accepted that I was forgiven, and slowly I began to forgive myself.

But it doesn’t stop there, no! He has continued to show me so much more since I’ve left camp. Everyday he teaches me something new. He’s helped me to realise the importance of prayer, and keeping up on reading his book which is basically his love letters to me. He showed me why I should tell people about him, and share with people what he’s done in my life. He helped me to pray for other people, and maintain my concentration because I am so easily distracted. He taught me the importance of suffering, and helped me even to be grateful for the pain that I’ve been through this past year. He’s humbled me, and shown me so much love. He’s teaching me to stop being so critical and cynical, and to accept that not everyone is at the same stage of recovery as me (which is a surprisingly hard lesson to learn).  He’s pointed out the areas of my life that I still have to deal with, and it takes time of course, but everyday he heals my wounds that little bit more. I still hurt, but I am not broken. 

It hit me today, how much of a difference there is between the old me, and the current me. I’m reminded of the amount of days I spent in bed. My blinds would be shut, my hair greasy and the previous days make up down my face. Whole days would go by and literally nothing would get done. I just cried, and slept, and sometimes cut and binged and purged and generally wished that I would pass away in my sleep. What kind of life is that? Now, when I want to self harm, I just sit down and I chat to God. Sometimes it’s about random things to distract myself, sometimes I shout and swear at him. He’s such a friend to me. When I want to binge, I open up my bible and I just read, and read and read. I read about his love for me. I highlight my favourite verses and say them out loud to myself. I find his promises to me, and I cling onto them as if my very life is kept within those pages.

This photo stuck out for me. It’s one of his most incredible promises to us. If we ask God for strength, then we can manage anything because it’s not in our own strength that we do it. I would never have been able to recover without God. People always tell me that I’m strong etc, but I’m not. Any act of courage that you have ever seen in me, that wasn’t me, that was God holding me up. I can’t do anything on my own. I am weak and I am a pushover and I’m lazy and I give up much too easily. With God next to me, renewing my strength everyday, I am strong! I’m going to nail everything with him. It doesn’t mean that my life will be easy, or without pain or relapses. It just means that he’s never going to give up on me, and he will give me the strength not to give up on life. I don’t know what lies ahead, but I know that he’s going to use me to do amazing things, and that makes me so excited.

(via iwilltrustinyou)

It sounds so weird, but it’s really starting to get to me. I have this spark inside me. No, actually, a fire. I’m excited and hopeful and I have such a reason to smile, but I don’t really have anything to do with it! I’m scared that if I just carry on living such a mundane life, that I’m going to lose that. It’s all very well sitting at home, reminding myself everyday of why I want to live, but if I’m not actually going out and living, then what’s the point? I don’t really have a social life, and I’m okay with that really. I’m just restless. I think this feeling will lessen when I return to school, but school isn’t enough. I need something to keep me going. Something to remind me why I want to work hard. I feel like if I was doing some kind of voluntary work, helping people in some way, then it would spur me on to get the grades I need to do even more for people as the years go on. I have the bible, and I have prayer, and that of course is enough to get me through each day and give me hope, but I want to then do something with that. I want to put this to use, to be able to share my life with people, to tell them what it is that gives me such excitement. I also need encouragement from others. I have my friends from camp, of course, who I’m still in touch with, but they don’t live close. I want to find a church, one where I don’t know anyone, where I can make friends and feel comfortable telling them about my past, asking them for support. Friends that I can call up and say “Yknow what, I feel like crap”. And as I said, I want to help people. I don’t know if there really is anything I can do, but if there is then I hope I find it. I want everyone to share the same hope that I hold.

I just looked in the mirror and thought, “I look nice today!”.

Well this is new :3

10 steps to positive self image!

downtownpatrol

As is probably implied by the posting of this, I am home from camp! I don’t even know where to begin, I’m so ridiculously excited about everything right now. I have literally had one of the best weeks of my life. Something truly incredible, special and personal happened to me while I was away, and it was everything I was needing.

I could write all about camp. I could tell you guys about the many, many activities I took part in. I could tell you how many times I got muddy, and drenched, and sunburnt, and pulled muscles and got bitten by insects. I could explain all the in jokes and the banter, all the laughs I’ve had. I could tell you about the friends I’ve made, the conversations we’ve had. I could write about the food, the bonfires, the music, the games. I could write all about the trek over Exmoor, and how I nearly died. I could describe the views, the smells, the sounds, the pure peace of the place. I could tell you how I’ve embarrassed myself, how I made people laugh, how I’ve been surrounded with support from everyone. 

So many things about camp that would never fit into a short enough post, but that isn’t the point. I could have had all those things this week, and I would have still returned home, the same depressed, anxious, lonely, desperate girl. I swear to you all though, I am none of that. I am not alone. I have a heart full of hope and a smile full of joy. I am SO excited about my future right now, and this is why…

I took some photos of my walk this morning :) When I woke up, I honestly did not want to get up and very nearly didn’t. But it occurred to me if I didn’t get up today, then I’d probably never do it again, so I made myself. I even ran once I’d reached the farm track, which is pretty incredible, all things considered. My muscles ache now though.

But yeah, doing something when I don’t feel like I’m up to it, is a big achievement. I proudly told my counselor about it and she agreed and said that the reinforcement from doing something you feel isn’t possible, and then actually enjoying it, will make a huge difference to how you feel about facing problems. It makes sense really- basic psychology. I didn’t give her the sheet today, I knew I wouldn’t and she didn’t ask for it. It was a positive session though and despite being overly anxious while I was on my way to it, I feel it went well.

I know it’s only been like, two days (if that) of positivity, but I really am feeling so much more capable of getting things done and coping with them. 

asdfghjkl; I am writing this for the third time because I am forever deleting what I type on posts these days and it makes me want to cry because it takes so long to type things. I’m doing this on Word first, just incase.

I went for my walk this morning. I got straight up at 6.15, who’d have thought it?! I walked down the hill and turned into a farm track that my ex and I often used to take walks down. It’s funny really, but being out so early in the fresh air, made me feel like I was at camp. There’s something about morning air that is so different to the rest of the day… I guess it’s probably because the traffic hasn’t come out to pollute it yet. It was so peaceful and quiet, only the occasional whir of an engine passing by the nearby main road. It took me back to camp, getting up at 7am and stepping straight out of the cabin in our pyjamas and wellies, and doing a few laps of the field. We always complain about it, but now I am so grateful that they get us to do it. It will help me a lot to do that every morning, because I can’t think of anything better than to start my day off being reminded of my favourite place in the world, whilst being in probably my second favourite place in the world. I didn’t get very far in twenty minutes, but I’m hoping that after a while of cycling every day, that I’ll be fit enough to run in the morning. As I was walking, I considered asking my friend if she wants to join me on my daily bike rides. I know she enjoys cycling and wants to exercise more, and I think if someone else was depending on me to keep it up, I would feel more motivated. I don’t want to ask her just yet though, as the thought of exercising with anyone else terrifies me. Maybe when my fitness levels are up a little.

I took photographic evidence of my walk for you, though why I took a photo of myself and not the view.. I really don’t know. I guess no one thinks straight in the morning. I’ll take a picture of the view tomorrow, but yeah, here I am, bright eyed and bushy tailed:

(My hoody looks hot pink there aha, it’s actually red :|)

Assembly was a little sad this morning. I hadn’t realised that the head of sixth form is retiring, and won’t be back in September. She’s quite strict and no one is very nice about her, but I genuinely have a tonne of respect for her. She might not take any messing, but she is so kind and helpful. She’s one of those teachers that you know genuinely cares about her pupils. She has offered me a lot of support, especially when I was getting so upset over English Language, and wanted to drop it. I cried in assembly, not because of that teacher leaving, but because it was all about arrangements for results day, and options for next year. I suddenly realised that there really is no chance that I can go back to sixth form next year. I panicked. I haven’t arranged anything for September, I don’t know what I want to do. It made me feel hopeless and I couldn’t help but cry.

As I’ve already posted though, I have been baking this afternoon! That really helped to keep up my positivity, especially after such a blow from school. I’ve taken a photo of the end result, so here you go:

I did have a few weak moments today. While I was waiting for the caramel to set, I sat down to play the piano, and found myself in tears. I then made myself get up and go and clean up in the kitchen, which took my mind off things again. I’m really not sure if I’m doing this right. Does occupying yourself so much that you don’t have time to think, count as recovery? Or is that just shoving problems that need dealing with, to the side? I’m really not sure if it’s healthy. Anyway, I think I will be doing a lot more baking in the near future, it’s definitely my new hobby. 

Baking does however, pose one problem. The dreaded B word. There is a risk of me, if I get upset in the night, eating everything I have made. I think it’ll be okay because it seems different when I’ve made the food myself. I guess I’m just more aware of what’s gone into it, not necessarily that I know how unhealthy it is, I’ve just thought about it more. Today’s millionaire shortbread will be eating mainly by my Dad’s youth bible study that are round tonight, so I’m really happy with that. Mam and I each had a slice after dinner though, I’m really proud of myself! Usually when I make something for the first time, it’s an absolute fail. 

I can’t really explain how I’m feeling about things, but I want to put it in a moment. Let me set the scene for you:

I’m sat on my bed with my back against a cushion, leaning against the wall and my feet hanging off the bed. Lizzie* is sat on the other end of the bed, curled up and facing me, cuddling my teddy. We are laughing hysterically as we reminisce the time when we were in her old house, in her room, ten years old and looking at a website called ratemypoo.com,trying to decide if our poo is healthy. Eventually our laughter dies down, and I hear my parents downstairs. Dad is playing the piano, I can hear the cheery melody of ‘When I’m Sixty-Four’ by the Beatles, floating through the floor. I can hear Mam in the kitchen, clearing up after dinner. There’s an occasional clatter of glasses and dishes. Her voice starts to rise above the piano “Will you still need me? Will you still feed me, when I’m sixty-four?”. An overwhelming sense of comfort came over me. I don’t know why, but I suddenly felt good. I heard that little voice in my head say “You’re going to be okay”.

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen that episode of friends, in the first series, when Rachel cuts up her credit cards. The last scene ends with all the ‘friends’ in the appartment, playing twister. Rachel gets off the phone to the bank and says to herself something like, “I’m okay, I’ve got magic beans”. That’s how I felt this evening.

*Names have been changed :)